In this reflection, counsellor Barbara Farinelli (English–Italian, Gestalt focus) explores how awareness, compassion, and choice can transform the fear of saying “no” into an act of self-respect and authenticity.
Our Sense of Self and Boundaries
Our sense of Self is shaped through connection with others, our environment, and the messages we absorb growing up. Families, schools, and cultural norms often teach us what is acceptable, expected, or even forbidden.
Sometimes we internalise these beliefs without realising we’ve adopted them as our own. You might have learned messages such as:
- “Saying no is selfish.”
- “Love means sacrifice.”
- “My needs don’t matter.”
Living by these internalised rules can blur boundaries, causing us to lose ourselves in others, or make them rigid, keeping people at a distance. Either way, it can be difficult to know what truly belongs to us and what has been passed down from others.
In Gestalt therapy, awareness and contact are key. By gently noticing what we feel, need, and want in the present moment, we begin to reclaim authentic boundaries, ones that honour both ourselves and our relationships.
Take a moment to reflect:
- What messages about boundaries did I absorb as a child?
- Where did I learn to prioritise others over my own needs?
- How does this influence my relationships today?
In therapy, we explore these patterns with compassion, not to assign blame, but to bring them into conscious awareness. Awareness allows us to recognise old scripts, understand their origins, and begin to respond differently. It is the foundation for change, giving us the freedom to make choices that reflect who we truly are, rather than who we were conditioned to be. In Gestalt terms, boundaries are:
- The meeting point between ourselves and others
- The edges where contact, growth, and self-expression happen
- The space that allows closeness while maintaining individuality
When boundaries are blurred, we may feel drained, confused, or overwhelmed. When they’re clear, relationships feel safer, freer, and more authentic. Healthy boundaries help us stay whole while remaining connected.
Saying No with Compassion
Learning to say “no” with compassion isn’t about rejecting others, it’s about affirming your own worth. Each “no” can strengthen connection, honesty, and mutual respect. Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re bridges that allow contact without losing ourselves.
Many people benefit from reflecting on boundaries in everyday situations. Some practical ways to start include:
- Pause and notice your feelings: Observe whether saying “yes” energises or drains you.
- Experiment with small choices: Express your needs in simple interactions to build confidence.
- Use kind, honest language: Communicate authentically and respectfully with yourself and others.
Each person’s journey with boundaries is unique. There is no strict method, just gentle exploration and increasing awareness. Awareness is always the first step toward clarity and connection.
Before saying “yes,” pause and ask yourself:
“Is this choice true to me, or am I acting from fear of disappointing someone?”
Listening to your inner voice is where authentic connection begins both with yourself and with others. Your “yes” matters, and your “no” matters too.
My Purpose in Sharing These Reflections
Through Barbara Farinelli Counselling, I aim to create spaces, both in therapy and here on this blog, where reflection leads to awareness, and awareness opens the door to meaningful change.
As a Gestalt and Integrative Counsellor, I believe that growth happens in relationship, with ourselves, others, and our environment. These reflections are invitations to pause, breathe, and reconnect with your own awareness.
Stay Connected or Begin the Conversation
If this reflection resonates, you’re warmly invited to:
- Book a counselling session: Therapy is offered in Kent (Canterbury & Ashford) and online for international clients, in English and Italian.
- Follow future reflections: Each blog post explores self-awareness, boundaries, and emotional well-being.
Sometimes one conversation is enough to start lasting change.
A Gentle Note
This blog is for general reflection and information only. It is not a substitute for professional therapy. If you are in distress or need immediate support, please reach out to your local helpline or trusted healthcare professional. Your privacy is respected, no identifying client details are ever shared.
About Barbara Farinelli Counselling
I’m Barbara Farinelli, an Integrative Counsellor with a Gestalt focus, School Counsellor, and founder of Barbara Farinelli Counselling. I offer private therapy sessions in Kent, UK, and online counselling for international clients in English and Italian. My approach is relational, compassionate, and grounded in awareness, helping you explore boundaries, relationships, and self-understanding with curiosity and care. If you’d like to reconnect with your authentic self or explore what healthy boundaries might mean for you, I’d be honoured to walk alongside you.